By MAHEER ISLAM, JRN 111 STUDENT
Kevin Kucht never expected a close friend to make him feel small. What started as harmless jokes slowly turned into comments that cut deeper, leaving him anxious and drained every time they talked.
“He would throw people under the bus, make fun of them in front of others and say things that made you feel small. He looked for people’s anxiety and used it against them,” said Kucht, 25, a post-bachelor nursing student at Moraine Valley.
One day, Kucht finally confronted his friend. “I told him to shut his mouth, and he never bothered me again. It’s like he got depressed after that and stopped acting that way.”
Even after distancing himself, Kucht admits it wasn’t simple. “Sometimes I still reach out, but it’s like nothing changed. He still acts the same way and it just feels like a repeating cycle.”
Kucht’s story highlights how toxic relationships can stay in your mind and hurt your feelings long after they are over. For college students, the emotional impact, stress and anxiety can affect not only subsequent relationships but also their ability to focus on academics.
When toxic friendships or romantic relationships start to make you feel bad, it can be hard to notice, says Moraine Valley psychology professor Nickolas Shizas.
“You start to feel worse about yourself every time you’re around them,” he said. “That’s when you know something is wrong.”
These negative relationships often include small, repeated behaviors that slowly wear down your confidence and self-esteem. People may stay longer in them because they hope things will get better again or don’t fully realize how much harm is being done. Understanding those kinds of deep patterns helps you know when to set boundaries or step away.
“If you feel worse about yourself, are afraid to speak up, or constantly have to ‘watch what you say’ every time around someone because they insult or demean you, that’s a sign of toxicity.”
Psychology professor Nickolas Shizas
In psychological terms, toxic relationships involve a consistent pattern of criticism, control, manipulation or disrespect.
“If you feel worse about yourself, are afraid to speak up, or constantly have to ‘watch what you say’ every time around someone because they insult or demean you, that’s a sign of toxicity,” Shizas said.
Communication plays a major role in how relationships grow or fall apart, says Delwyn Jones, a Moraine Valley professor who teaches interpersonal communications.
“Love is created through communication,” Jones said. “Problems grow and partners misunderstand each other. Poor listening or relying on social media messaging can cause more misunderstanding, leading to unnecessary conflict and stress.”
Moraine Valley’s Psychology Club encourages students to think about their experiences, talk about problems and learn healthy ways to handle conflicts. Club members see how some students respond to difficult relationships.
“Sometimes people isolate themselves as a protective measure. It’s like saying, ‘I’m alone on my own terms.’ That mindset protects them from rejection, but it can also make forming real connections harder,” said club member Sateel Altayi, 18, a first-semester pharmacy student.
It’s important to use empathy, patience and honesty when helping friends deal with unhealthy romantic relationships, says club member Melanie Cabrera, 21.
“You can’t force them,” Cabrera said. “You just have to be a supportive friend. Remind them of their worth and let them know you are there when they’re ready.”
The cost of staying in toxic relationships is clear, Shizas said. Students often hold onto hope that things will improve, but the reality is that harm continues until boundaries are respected or the relationship ends in a breakup.
“It’s like putting $100 into a vending machine and only getting a pack of gum,” he said. “Eventually, you realize it’s not worth it.”
Psychology professor Mitchell Baker, who also serves as an adviser of the Psychology Club with Shizas, explained how discussing relationships can make a difference.
“It often comes down to self-confidence and the kind of relationships you have seen growing up,” Baker said. “People who have a healthy model of what a good relationship looks like can spot the red flags faster.”
“Find meaningful activities that replace the time and identity the relationship provided. Then, build a positive relationship with yourself, practice new skills and reconnect with supportive communities.”
MV Counselor Sharon Brennan
Moraine Valley students don’t have to deal with toxic relationships on their own. Resources are available in the counseling office (Building S) for students who need deeper support. Counselors meet with students one-on-one to help them manage stress, set healthy boundaries and handle conflicts.
Many students come to counseling feeling lonely or disconnected and struggle with setting boundaries because it’s something new to them, said counselor Sharon Brennan.
“We start by exploring why setting boundaries is hard and what it costs a student,” she said. “We practice language and assertiveness, help students identify personal values, and develop ways to communicate boundaries without alienating people.
“Boundaries aren’t always a firm ‘no’; sometimes they mean saying ‘Not now’ or ‘I need this later.’”
The counseling center also offers workshops, group sessions and partnerships with student clubs to help students practice communication and build supportive networks.
Recognizing red flags and trusting your feelings can help you step back from harmful relationships before they wear down your confidence, writes Jo Nash in Positive Psychology. Nash suggests replacing toxic connections with meaningful activities, volunteering or joining clubs.
Brennan has similar advice: “Find meaningful activities that replace the time and identity the relationship provided. Then, build a positive relationship with yourself, practice new skills and reconnect with supportive communities.”
Bestselling author KC Davis advises: “Give yourself permission to step back from the relationship and remember, this doesn’t have to be a permanent decision,” an NPR article reports. Leaving a harmful friendship or romantic toxic relationship is not a failure, but a way to protect your emotional well-being.
Whether the toxicity is occurring in friendships or romantic relationships, students don’t have to face these challenges alone. With support, students can figure out harmful patterns, set healthy boundaries and build positive connections.
“Choose for yourself what you would want for the person you love most, hold high but realistic expectations, protect your values, and look for relationships where you can give and receive respect,” Brennan says. “And if you need help getting there, come see us. We’re here for you.”
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