I’ve been in this place for days, and still I feel like I’m on the edge.

I’m on the fringe of this group.

It’s not the first time; it happens a lot, really.

Try as I might, I still can’t seem to slip into this group, again.

Look, I know its a silly thing to be upset about, but look at it my way:

Being on the outside has been fun for a long time. I enjoy the online spaces where I can just be myself. I used to not care if others wanted me around.

But

Then I grew up.

I started to learn that I don’t like it on the outside.

I wear things that signal to others that I am “other.” 

It’s like I’m a duck among swans…no one wants me there and I don’t think I’ll ever be called a butterfly, not like this.

So I toned it down. 

I wear what others consider more conventional clothing.

I don’t talk about what I enjoy other than online, and yet.

Still, I am sitting on the outside.

So yeah, I think I have a right to be upset.

I have tailored myself to fit in and still they sniff out my outsiderness like bloodhounds.

I have tried on many masks.

Geek,

Nerd,

Theater kid,

Math kid,

Computer kid,

Gamer,

Writer.

I once tried to play sports, but it did not last that long.

So I have the right to be upset.

People don’t like people like me, and I haven’t seen anyone like me.

I think they’re better at camouflaging than I could ever dream to be…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More days have passed.

I think I might have seen someone in a shirt from a show I like. 

I don’t want to be weird, but I want to find them and talk. It could go really well or really poorly. I don’t even know if it was that show.

Maybe I was wrong, we’ll see.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I talked to them. It went really well! I found another. I made a reference and they understood.

I hope that they don’t find my other hobbies odd and off-putting. Maybe this could work. 

They also said I might like their frineds. I think it’ll be nice. Hopefully.

Maybe I won’t be so alone anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s been months, I know. I’ve been gone for a while. 

I have people now. Like in-real-life people.

We’ve been going out more, I’m happy. 

I’m myself around them and no one cares.

I think I’m ready to close you for good.

Thank you.

For being here for my vents, but I’m going out with them soon.

Goodbye, my old friend. I might come back, but right now I don’t need this. 

I have found my people.

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featured image graphic by EMILY STEPHENS