Oh, how badly I want to be something. 

To have color, have life, have anything at all. Everything around me is defined by something.

I float around and see the colors dancing with each other separated only by the numbers of people in their respective groups. They all act the same, walk the same. 

I just want to go dance with them. 

The way those two over there hold each other’s hands and share a glance–I can tell that happiness is the warm air that fills the space between them. 

That group of critters with their matching hides and deep brown eyes, traversing calmly through the plane. The color that washed the canvas around them filled my vision as I gazed at them in awe. 

But nobody could see the awe on my face, for I don’t even have a face. I am a cloud of nothing, a piece of glass you can see right through, the darkness between the night stars and the blank canvas before one paints over it. 

Oh, to be something.

Anything. 

What I would give to possibly fulfill my wishes. I am someone who has no possessions at all. The limbs I carry are made of dust and space; my yearning heart is entirely air. 

The way the furry creature sits gently on the window sill and licks the bottom of its leg because it wanted to. 

If I am air, how could I not identify the area between everyone’s disposition?

Once I felt, I named;

Love,

Despair,

Excitement,

Fear.

I know what they are, but how do I feel them?

Through the brisk air that circled the park, I reached out and felt the bark of a tree, tall and sturdy. I looked over and saw a small little creature. 

Its eyes gleamed with wonder as I spoke the word of what I thought it was.

“Boy” I said aloud. Hopefully my observations will come to fruition. 

Suddenly, the wonder from its eyes shaped into confusion, and slowly into fear. 

Wait, he can see me. 

A feeling pulsated through me, almost as if I was a light bulb and the boy had flipped a switch. The air got hotter, and my vision became more clear. As I looked around, I noticed my hands. 

I have hands?

The wonder had returned to the boy’s eyes, and he was now pointing at me. “Glowy,” he said. 

I was astonished, but I knew the boy couldn’t see it on my face. For I had no face, I was a cloud with no name. 

‘Glowy,’ I thought back to myself. I kind of liked it. 

Seeing if the small creature could hear me, I said “Boy,” to him again, this time pointing my newfound glowy arm to him. 

This time, his face exuded a delighted, playful expression, and he jumped up with joy and shouted, “Glowy!” 

If I had a face, there’d be an ecstatic smile stretched across it, much like the boy’s smile before me now. His deep, dark brown eyes were filled with joy now, and I could see it. I could feel it. 

“Robin!” A voice called out from the other side of the tree. 

The boy’s head snapped to face the voice, and then took off after it, leaving me behind that tree as if I was nothing more than a minor acquaintance. A part of me felt sorrow for losing the boy’s company, but I then looked over at him to see him approaching a larger creature, one that had longer hair and shared the same deep dark brown eyes. 

I saw them exchange words, and then the boy started pointing in my direction. I had made my way around the tree to discover new things with my newfound transparency, to see what the other creatures would call me. 

A shriek cut through the air. 

I looked around to find the source of the deafening sound and saw the large creature standing in front of the boy with a look of terror. 

It extended its arm at me, and in a fleeting moment, grabbed the boy and ran in the opposite direction towards an area with no trees, and these metal cases with glass and wheels instead.

Soon, I noticed an abundance of creatures around the park staring in my direction, with the same look of terror.  

Wait, were they looking at me? 

What could be so astounding about a floating cl-

Oh, wait. 

The boy saw me, and I felt a jolt and saw my hands for the first time. 

Now, seeing the reaction of all of these creatures and their crude expressions, I felt a similar feeling, this one a bit more intense, and I looked at my hands again and they were a bright red. The creatures then hurried out of the park with a new level of panic. 

For a second, I was frightened. This was all new to me I had never been seen before. I always assumed I was a cloud of nothing. Air with no face, a void with no name. But when the boy had made me, when I was seen by a creature filled with such joy and wonder, and so much love, I felt something. 

Maybe I am something after all. 

Maybe I am cloud with a name. 

“Glowy,” I thought to myself. 

“Glowy, Glowy, Glowy…”

Every time I said it, I felt something pleasurable. A feeling of… joy? Yes. It’s joy. 

I felt, and saw my hands, and I felt and watched as they glowed, a pulsing visual of bright orange that matched the big bright ball in the pale blue sky. 

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Soon, I found myself traveling to these places more and more, looking for the brown-eyed boy, to see if we could repeat our enlightening encounter. But when I didn’t find him. I went around as I normally did, counting the leaves on the trees and stars in the sky, and watching lovers hold hands, other boys fly kites, and large creatures operating what I learned was a “car.” 

I found such joy in giving these new things a name. And even more joy in knowing that I too, had a name to someone. 

I was something to someone. 

I am something. 

I grew impatient looking for the brown-eyed boy, so instead, I decided to test out this new idea. I had to really try out being something to someone else. 

I saw these bigger creatures with hair coming out from the underside of their faces instead of on top. Which I found quite odd. 

They were aggressively digging into the ground and creating this huge pile of dirt. And they were wearing these bright tops that glowed in the sunlight and had these shiny hard hats that also glowed.

Seeing these similarities that we shared, I figured we could all make good friends. 

I floated in and made their acquaintance. They didn’t see me at first, so I figured I had to say something. 

“Man,” I said aloud, assuming that’s what these creatures were. 

Now they looked at me, and I felt something again. But this time, it wasn’t the exhilarating feeling of being discovered by the brown-eyed boy. It was something different. It made me feel a bit anxious. I looked at my hands to see what color they were, and I could barely see them. They were… a light gray…? I don’t know. But they were there. Because all the men around me saw it, and it seemed they didn’t like what they were seeing. 

One large man turned to the others and said, “Is this a freakin’ talking raccoon?” 

The others let out a gut-turning laugh. 

I didn’t know what else to do, so I joined them. 

Another man, grabbing the hair under his face, pointed at me, “Look! Now it’s a laughing raccoon!” he shouted. That got the group to laugh louder. 

Slowly, I started to realize I didn’t like what I felt. I didn’t like the name either. But the more I tried to accept it, the more gray I became. 

I tried to join in the fun by asking a question about something that had been confusing me since I had first seen them and approached them.

I asked the man with hair under his face, “Is your head upside down?” 

The laughter ceased. And silence suffocated the air around us. 

He charged at me and said, “You think you’re funny?”

I took the question legitimately and said, “Yeah, I think so.”

His fist balled up and he threw it at me with his arm. It didn’t connect with anything, because he didn’t realize I was a cloud with no face and air with no body. 

I felt extreme guilt after he missed. His friends chimed in, shouting more insults at me. I could see them for what they were now. So, being the cloud with no face, I floated away with a new name now: “Raccoon.” 

It didn’t make me feel the same way “Glowy” did, but being the blank canvas that I was, I had to accept it. 

As a cloud with no face and colors that don’t say anything and a gust of wind with no body, no heart, no brain, what say did I really have in what they called me? 

I noticed that my colors changed when I said and felt different things. I looked at animals and called out to them. 

“Bird!” I’d say to the floating torpedo in the sky. And I saw my hands turn orange, which only reinforced that I was a cloud, nothing but a void to be filled by whatever the world said. I had to accept it. 

I accepted the colors I became and the names I was given. 

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And then I finally saw the brown-eyed boy again. 

It was at the same park, under the same tree. I spent a lot of time there to find comfort when my colors didn’t turn when I wanted them to. 

I remained invisible so I wouldn’t have to adjust to any new names people would give me. 

But when the boy showed himself by that tree again, I couldn’t stop myself from materializing. A familiar feeling shot through me, a comforting feeling. 

He turned and saw me. His eyes didn’t change, but the rest of his body did. He was bigger now and didn’t seem to like being called “Boy” anymore. He was something in between boy and man, but I couldn’t guess what it was. He walked toward me, his eyes filled with the same wonder that he’d had all that time ago when he’d first seen me. 

“Boy,” I said, as I felt my body glow a familiar shade. 

“No,” he said, “I’m Robin.” He pointed at himself, and then pointed at me. 

“Glowy.”

“You’re still here.” His eyes filled with curiosity and excitement as he spoke. 

“I am not glowy anymore,” I said, dejected. I felt my color move to a shade of dark gray. 

“Well, not if you don’t wanna be!” he proclaimed. “I just said I am not a boy because I don’t wanna be a kid anymore. I grew up, Glowy. I like Robin, now. That’s my name.”

His words filled the void of my body with something new. Something empowering. 

“I wish I had a name that I liked. Everyone calls me something different,” I said.

Robin shrugged and said, “Just tell them your name first.” 

Another feeling pulsated through me. I changed colors again. 

“Pick a name for yourself,” he said.

I started to float up with a new feeling of power and excitement. 

Maybe I didn’t have to be something different to everyone. Maybe I didn’t have to be anything at all. 

Maybe I could just be…“Glowy,” I said aloud. “That’s my name. And that’s all I’ll be.” 

I floated up and flew past the trees and joined the birds where I normally would find them. I accepted being a cloud, a face, a pocket of air with no face, no body, no name. 

But I was something. I am something. 

I am a cloud with a name. I love nature, and people. I change colors when I feel like it. And I love feeling. 

I have a name. And that’s all I need. 

I’ll just be me. 

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featured image graphic by EMILY STEPHENS