I have always been an incredibly anxious person. My friends know it, my family knows it and even Velocity’s readers may know it as I have written about it previously.

Velocity readers may also know about my previous experience with ADHD meds which, at the time, turned me off from wanting to ever go on any kind of medication in the future. Although I thought I would never turn to medication again, this past summer, I knew that I couldn’t hold this opinion forever.

Even after four years of working with a therapist, my anxiety was something that always stayed intense and intrusive.

I finally started seeing a psychologist who worked with me to prescribe me Buspirone, an anxiety medication that would actually work for me. I have been taking it for close to three months now, and although it doesn’t stop my anxiety, I definitely notice it being way more manageable compared to before.

I don’t find myself obsessively worrying over a certain thing for the entire day anymore, my mind is actually able to move on from my anxieties a lot faster than ever before.

My most recent change in my life is that I actually started writing a novel. Though I have tried this before, I allowed life, my anxieties, and different career paths floating around in my head to get in the way.

But this time, with the help of time management and a shift of my focus on what I’m studying, I am all in. I don’t have a set date for when I want to publish it but I have definitely decided I want it done by next spring.

I have also made a lot of changes in my life and my daily routine to accommodate the time for my passion. Changes are scary to me, especially a big one like this, but I feel more excited about it than anxious.

The biggest recent change in my life has been learning to live for myself rather than constantly for others. I’ve always been the biggest people-pleaser I know, and it’s taken a serious toll on my mental health.

Instead of focusing on my own happiness, I would go out of my way to ensure everyone around me was happy, even if it meant sacrificing my own well-being.

I’ve also had a habit of staying in friendships that caused more harm than good. But lately, I’m really proud of the progress I’ve made, dressing how I want, surrounding myself with people who uplift me, and consistently prioritizing my mental health and happiness.

Like anyone, I’m going through a constant yet subtle change. Unnoticeable day to day, but I like to think I’m a slightly more well-rounded person now compared to my start at Moraine Valley.

Specifically, through Velocity, I’ve been able to hone some skills that I didn’t know I had. Writing, communication, analysis and expression have all been sharpened into helpful and rewarding tools.

I’ve even been able to shake off some anxiety and laziness through this publication. With a better sense of direction, I can see more clearly that the transition I’ve gone through the most is gaining the ability to control my own change.

The biggest change in my life recently has been the death of my grandfather. My grandpa was always a huge father figure in my life and learning to live without him has been a struggle.

After his passing, things felt weird for a long time. Having to go over to my grandma’s house without him being there or helping with all the chores he had to do, it just didn’t feel real.

It took a long time for things to start feeling normal again. I had to step out of my comfort zone and experience more things, like starting in Velocity last year.

It really made me realize the importance of the people around me. It helped me learn to appreciate my loved ones’ company, the things they do for me, and what they mean to me.

Throughout my time at Velocity, I have written several POV pieces, reported pieces and fiction stories. This experience increased my writing skills to the point that I was able to finish the first draft of a novel.

I wrote it over the span of a month, and finished it up around two weeks ago. I’ve already sent the draft to a few test readers, and have done a bit of editing in the meantime.

I plan it to be the first in a series of thirteen books (Yeah, it’s a lot, but it’s for all the ideas I want to explore).

It’s about twins in an Afro-dominated world, and how one’s fight against cancer impacts them and their relationships. I’m committed to turning this book into the best story it can be, and releasing it to be enjoyed by readers!

In the past few years, the biggest change in my life has been starting to learn who I want to be. As in my own sense of style and what I want from life.

I had this habit of becoming a shell of who I wanted to be. In high school, I would water myself down and dress a little more in line with how others dressed while my own style fell to the side.

On top of that I would hide the parts of my personality that I used to believe would be “too much.”

Nowadays, I have started to dress the way that makes me feel most like myself. I’ve started to fully let myself be as I am.

This year has by far been the hardest I’ve ever had, from having to battle my biggest fear of losing a loved one, to having the worst anxiety I’ve ever had.

But I can’t lie, I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. I got to travel quite a bit over the summer and I’ve become closer and more attached to my family.

I’ve also been able to get out of my comfort zone by starting my own podcast in Velocity, which I am so excited and grateful for.

For the first time, the changes in my life feel positive. For the last few years it felt like the world was falling apart, piece by piece. I was struggling with my depressive and anxiety disorders. I felt completely lost.

But over this past year I’ve staggered back to my feet. I’ve dived into healing headfirst, and in doing so found the pieces of myself I had lost. I’ve fallen in love with life all over again.

Listening to music that makes me dance around my room, engaging in conversations that have me rambling on, and searching for events that draw me out of the house.

I still struggle, things haven’t been easy, but I’ve learned to better adjust to the issues as they surface. 

---

Featured image graphic by Emily Stephens