What does goodbye mean? 

The time has come, my friend. We have finally reached the end, and with that being said, allow me to prepare myself for the end. 

The sound of your sweet voice will no longer echo in my ears. My ears won’t be filled with the sweet sound of innocent laughter again. Our laughs won’t harmonize into one obnoxious tune. 

Involuntarily I became deaf to the sound of you. 

Your frizzy hair will never brush against my face as you pull me in for a tight hug. My arms won’t get to embrace you and your warmth. Your warmth felt like the first day of summer. The rays of sun shining down with the heat seeping through my shirt. 

This summer’s cold. Freezing. I miss the heat from the fire your presence brought to the room. Fire and water go hand in hand. Air is no match for blazing flames. 

What’s water worth without fire?  

I’ll never get to experience staring into your eyes as they sparkle staring into mine. Your eyes were gorgeous. God, how they sparkled just like stars. You are a star now, my dear. You are the thing that lights up the deep blue sky at night. I look up every night to see a glimpse of you. I interpret shooting stars as you waving hello to me, the way you used to wave goodbye to me as you stood on the driveway as I drove off.

The drive to your house feels shorter. Have the roads shortened? Perhaps I’m just speeding, eager to see you. Only to realize the door isn’t going to open. I won’t be welcomed by your sweet, sweet smile, and the smell of cooking won’t linger in the air as we engage in conversation. 

My phone doesn’t buzz as often since you’ve been gone. My thumbs don’t ache from spamming you anymore. The only notification buzzing my phone is my alarm reminding me to wake up from this nightmare every day. I’d much rather be woken up by your good morning texts, followed by videos of kittens. Now I give my messages to the birds as they fly away into the white fluffy clouds delivering them to you.

I wish I could fly. Then I’d be able to see you. The face that once smiled at me. The hands that once wiped my tears. The arms that once embraced me in a tight hug. The lips that once whispered secrets into my ears. The legs that once ran to me in excitement. The fingers that once brushed through my coarse hair.  God, how I miss you.  

“Text me when you get home” 

Home is wherever you are. Where do I go now? I’ve become homeless. I stand outside when it rains, missing your arms that once used to shield me from God’s tears. Now I stand in the rain watching all the birds scurry through the rain to seek protection within the trees. 

Where’s my tree?

All that’s left to do is collect the trail of branches you left for me on the wet ground and make my own shelter from the rain. 

My mouth yearns for the taste of your cooking. McDonald’s could never satisfy the hunger I have for your steak and potatoes. You took me all around the world with your cooking. From steak tacos from Mexico, to Italy with spaghetti, and all the way back to India with spicy curry. I haven’t traveled to any of those places, but in a strange sense, I miss them all. 

I always keep a jar of Nutella in the pantry just for you. Just in case the ghost of you ever gets hungry late at night and decides to come back for a snack. Just in case you get sick of the feast heaven’s provided for you. Nutella is not my favorite, but just for you, every night around midnight I eat a spoonful and try to enjoy it the same way you did, with a smile. I wonder how fattening it is, but you’re worth the pounds I’ve put on. You’ve always been worth it.

I could sit here for hours replaying all our memories in my mind like a broken DVD player but I must finally say goodbye. I must pack you and all my memories of you away in the back of my mind. This is the end.

Goodbye you. Thank you for all the wonderful memories that shine as bright as gold in my mind. Thank you for all the red and gold ombre sunsets that light up the sky one last time before dark. I stop and take pictures every time. Thank you for existing once in this cruel world, and taking the time to give me so much more than what we can fit in our hands. I’m truly beyond thankful.

But wait. 

What if this isn’t “goodbye” or “the end” ?

What if it’s a hello? 

Hello to the new chapter I’ve been itching for in my book. The new chapter that I never envisioned seeing since the day you passed. Now it doesn’t feel so far away. The pages are starting to turn easier. It’s now time to pick up my pen and start writing. What’s next for me? Or should I say for us. 

Forever in my heart, my sweet dear.

It’s all become so clear.

You were never gone. I’ve been blinded for so long.