Monster. Demon.
These words float around in my head, haunting me every day, no matter where I go. But here’s the kicker: I’m the one calling me those awful things, not other people.
Objectively, I’m not even that bad of a person. I’m not a serial rapist, like Bill Cosby, or a war criminal, like Vladimir Putin, or a corrupt politician who incited an insurrection, like Donald Trump. I’m also not racist or sexist or a Holocaust denier or a pedophile. And of course, I’m 100 percent human, not a zombie or a vampire or an alien in any way. So why am I so upset with myself, to the point of denying my own humanity?
The answer lies in my past, when I would throw tantrums every few days in high school. The way the staff dealt with these incidents, mainly through physical restraints, didn’t help me at all, and in fact often worsened my despair and aggression. The outbursts also made me an outcast among my peers, leading to a sense of isolation.
All of this combined made me feel lonely and depressed throughout my teenage years. Even though I have largely overcome this issue, it still haunts me every time I get upset, which is why I’m afraid of my own negative thoughts. In addition, some of them are quite bigoted, which makes me wonder just how messed-up I am.
“And of course, I’m 100 percent human, not a zombie or a vampire or an alien in any way. So why am I so upset with myself, to the point of denying my own humanity?”
Samaa Yousef
The other major factor here is the extremely high moral standards I’ve set for myself. I want to be a morally perfect person, even though I know that isn’t possible. Nonetheless, when I don’t reach that goal, whether it’s in assignments or my writing or even my personal conduct, I’m very angry at myself for not doing better as a person. Of course, the anger only compounds my self-esteem issues, leading to me being harsh on myself.
But all of this has me wondering: What even is a monster, anyway? Is it anyone who commits bad deeds? Someone who goes against social norms? Or is it a convenient label for society to slap onto those it dislikes, those it doesn’t want to fully include?
I’m well aware of how terms like “monster,” “demon,” and “animal” often lead to hatred, discrimination and cultural exile. For example, Black men in the Jim Crow South were demonized as rapists and criminals, leading to many of them being lynched. The Nazis blamed Jews for all of the world’s evils in order to justify the Holocaust. And more recently, Donald Trump’s rhetoric attacking numerous political, racial and religious groups has furthered political polarization and inflamed violence in America.
Even now, the people of Gaza are undergoing unprecedented suffering because of others failing to see their full humanity.
I am against all of this hatred and violence, regardless of whom it’s directed at, because it inevitably leads to much more suffering for many groups and individuals.
Therefore, I have to remind myself from now on that I am NOT a real-life monster, but rather a young woman who cares deeply for the people of this world. This empathy doesn’t make me an awful person; in fact, I’m already helping many others with it, and will continue to do so in the future. And that, at least to me, is the greatest heroic act of them all.
Velocity 
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