“I said more leather in the sandals. My blessings only work with leather sandals. How are we supposed to get the product, if we don’t replicate these?” Jesus sits down, takes off his sandals, and hands them to Peter.  

Peter looks over them and rotates them around and says, “But the plastic are cheaper and selling at a rapid pace.“  

“But don’t the people want the qualities of the Original Air Jesus? You can’t float or walk on water with these knockoffs.”  

Peter then says, “But…”  

“We have an open door policy here, Peter. What is it?”  

“People have been killing themselves with the floating benefit. Some would float up into space and couldn’t drop downward, and they suffocate themselves. Others would try to walk on water and get swept up in a storm. People have decided that they wanted artificial knockoff of the Air Jesus,” Peter says. ”And it has taken a toll on worker morale.”  

Jesus, frustrated, puts on his sandals and flies out the window. “I’ll show them,” he says.  ”I’ll show them.”  

At the shoe making factory Air, Paul, an apostle, is pounding together a pair of leather sandals.

Peter, the head apostle, walks past Paul and stops, turns around to the factory Apostles and says, “Everybody look at Paul. He’s stepped above all of you and is making a leather sandal, the original Air Jesus. Now I know you all have heard rumors about the original Air Jesuses, but to be sure, those are nothing but lies. We love our employees and wouldn’t subject our workers to be responsible for our customers’ lives. If you have a question, we here are family, and I have an open-door policy, if you have any questions.”  

Judas goes over to Paul and punches him in the arm. “Nice going, Brownnose. You are making us look bad. I have been working 10 hour days and they don’t mention my hard work.”  

“I am just plugging away. Doing my duties. It’s all for the cause. I’m going to make it to heaven, and you’re not going to get in the way of my salvation.”  

Suddenly the lights from the candles start to flicker on and off, and there is a chanting from the doorway.

They are angels. “Santo domanico dehigh santo key. Googley I jordano sea. Eager if there santo key.”  

“He’s here,” Paul says.  

“That’s the worst Latin I’ve ever heard,” Judas says.  

Suddenly the doors fly wide open and a strong glow encapsulate a dark man with a long mane of brown hair and a carefully shaved beard, the type of beard you would expect from somebody in the 1980s and not a beard of someone in 38 A.D.  

“That’s the best beard I’ve ever seen,” Judas says. 

“Hello, my children. I have missed you very much. Ever since I’ve been in the desert with the Devil for forty days and forty nights, I have been waiting for the right time to speak with you.  Now I hear you’ve been frustrated with the Air Jesuses. But you must have faith. The Air Jesuses will be the number one nonprofit sandal in the market. With all the revenue coming in, we can feed the impoverished, the castaway, the beggar. And we can get people to fly and walk on water. Can I get a heck, yeah?!”  

The apostles say, “Heck, yeah.” 

“Now, let’s start cobbling!” shouts Jesus.  “Do you have faith?”

“Yes we do!” the 12 apostles say.  

“Can I get a heck, yeah?” shouts Jesus.  

“Heck, yeah,” the apostles say.  

“Hello Judas,” says Satan, cooking a stew in the corner of Judas’s kitchen. “Rough day at work today?”  

“I can’t take this anymore. Constant cobbling for 10 hours a day. Sure we have bountiful fish, but the fish is cod. We have all bread. It is gluten free. We don’t get paid in money. I have been talking to Antonio from the Roman army. They are getting drunk every night and have whores to satisfy their lusts. When has Jesus brought any woman around? There are no women around ever,” Judas says. “In fact, it is wrong to have any woman in the bed. I am just thinking, ‘What am I doing this for?’”  

“Excellent. Tell me more,” Satan hisses.  

“And all he talks about is making it into heaven. Why can’t we live a little bit on earth? Let the belt loose.”  

“Let the belt loose. Yes. Tell me more.”  

“And these sandals that he has asked us to make are a waste. People don’t know how to use them. People are dying, but Jesus says, ‘They only work if you have faith.’”

“And you have little faith.”  

“Well I’m losing it,” says Judas.  

“Excellent,” in a snaky voice, Satan says. “Try this stew.” 

“It smells delicious…Hey, how’d you get in here any way?”  

“Uh…who cares?” Satan hands out his ladle. “This stew will change your life.” 

Judas gets up and tastes the stew.  “Wow, it’s amazing.”  

“And there’s plenty more where that came from, if you join my Apostles union, where you can negotiate a fair schedule. You’ll be paid and, equal at this, and you’ll not have to listen to someone named Jesus.” Satan pulls out a card. “Now just sign this card saying that you are interested. It doesn’t obligate you to put anything down. It will just say you that have a few questions. You won’t regret it. Tell your friends.” 

Judas signs the card. And Satan vanishes.  

“Where the hell did he go? And I didn’t even get his name.”  

Judas goes into work early the next day feeling refreshed, feeling as if there is some hope to his somewhat pedestrian life. Peter walks past Judas, and looking somewhat flustered, he goes to his office and slams the door.

“What is going on?” Judas asks Paul.

“It’s Satan again. He’s starting a union.”  

“Satan is starting a union? Gee, that’s funny. I just met a guy that was starting a union. This guy was kind of strange. He hissed like a snake, but he made this wonderful stew. Oh shit. What did I do?”  

The candles start flickering on and off and on. The angel choir lines up around the doorway and starts up: “Hugey Lovely Sanctum Dey. Lono say dum wow wa we.”  

The bright light of Jesus’s silhouette lights up the room.  

“Hugey Lovely Sanctum Dey. Lono say dum wow wa we.”

“Judas, oh Judas. Judas!!! Why hast thou forsaken me!”  

Everybody looks at Judas.  

“Did you sign the red card?” asked Jesus.  

 “I don’t know,” says Judas.  

“You don’t know. How could you not.”  

“I’m not sure. It was just asking for information.” 

“But you signed the red card. They have your signature. Do you know what they could do with your signature?! Anything you can think of.”  

“I didn’t mean to offend you or the Apostles.”  

“Well it’s a little bit late now that you have joined a union. We have an open door policy!”  

“I am sorry but I have been asking for payment for the last five years, and the response I’ve gotten from Human Resources is that I should just embrace the cause and that I should live off of the fish caught and the bread harvested. You are treating us like we’re disposable.”  

“That’s because you are. How big of a head do you have to say that you have more than John, Peter, or Paul?” says Jesus.  

Suddenly John steps up and says, “I can’t take this anymore. I joined the union as well.” 

Matthew says, “I am Spartacus!”  

Everybody looks at Matthew quizzically.  

He says, “I joined the union as well.”  

“You too, Matthew?!”  

“Satan was pretty persuasive. He made some stew and promised payment and equal say.  He didn’t say that he was Satan,” said Matthew. 

 “If I had known it was Satan, I would not have signed the card,” Judas says.  

“It doesn’t matter whether you did know or not know he was Satan. You betrayed me, Judas. I am going to have to turn my back on you.”  

“But, Jesus. I’m sorry.”  

“Leave. And Matthew and John, you too. Your punishment will come later.”  

Judas leaves the factory upset. He gets home and sees Satan sitting at his doorstep.  

“Rough day at the office?”  

“Just the person I’d like to see.”  

Judas smacks Satan in the face.  

“You think you can hurt me? I’m the devil. I just eat up this anger. It’s my  nutrition. My vitamin A, C, and D,” says Satan.  

“Why did you rat on me?” asked Judas.  

“Because I thought you would have the balls to stick up for yourself and start  yourself a union. You just kept it to yourself. I laid the ground work and you didn’t even open your mouth.”  

 “Now I’ve got nothing.”  

 “Now you’ve got nothing.”  

 “I am condemned to damnation,” says Judas.  

 “I made you some stew.”  

 “Thank you.”  

 “See you around,” Satan says. 

 “I hope not.”  

Judas goes into the house to see a large steaming kettle in the corner of his  kitchen. He takes the kettle off the fire and places it on the counter. Then he takes his ladle and dips it into the kettle and pours the stew in a bowl.  

“This is delicious,” he says to himself.  

Later that night, Judas, full of despair, hangs himself.